tirsdag den 2. november 2010


Oh. Jeg savner min mor. Where is she?
Jeg ville ønske jeg boede tættere på hende, så jeg kunne besøge hende noget oftere. Jeg tror ikke hun tror, jeg elsker hende nok. Men det gør jeg. Ville besøge hende hver dag, hvis bare hun var tættere på. Lovede at besøge hende igen i denne weekend. Men jeg ved jeg ikke kommer derhen. Jeg ville ønske jeg kunne. Og måtte. Kan godt. Men orker ikke. Men vil gerne på samme tid. Oh..

I feel so guilty. But i can't see her in this weekend, because I know, that it will be hard, because I have to work. In some way. No, not work. Just stay in a kindergarden in a week.
I'll visit her next weekend! Yes! - But it don't sooth my guilt.

In some way, I'm always afraid of her dying, soon, without me next to her. And knowing that i haven't been by her side enough. And then she'll just be gone. And that is were the guilt comes up. Trying to eat me up indside. I don't wanna loose my parents. Really, no. They mean everything to me! Not more than my brother and sisters. Or, well, they mean as much.

And if I think about how many things they haven't done for me. You know, by staying away, giving me all the responsebility for my younger sisters and brothers (From my moms side), and that my dad was drinking and abusing lots of drugs - I still love them. Sure, they are my parents. But isn't there a stop block, you know, in a human being? A block, where the love to your parents just stop - I mean considering the things they have done to you, off course, but I mean when a child are suffering under some circumstances, (jeez, suffering is a hard word, right?) and they feel much anger to their parents, would their thermometer hit the red spot and then their love to their parents would just turn into; anger, disappointness etc?

 I'm asking - cause I don't know. I'll wish I knew. I love my mom. And my dad. Very much. I have dreams where I wake up crying, because I saw them die. I know, that they are not gonna die now. Or, I don't know that. But, they are certainly not dying from ageing.
I can sometime cry for them. Because I know they've had a rough childhood, and that's not fair to them. That's not fair for anybody - and I'm really trying - really trying to foregive them. Every parents are doing their best. And when a mom leaves her children behind, it's because she don't know better - she don't know how to tackle the situation of being a mom. And that is were she needs help. The first help she can get, is that her children foregive her. 

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